I have so many blogs in my head right now!  I have been without a computer – and time – so I have many topics all backing up!  I really felt I couldn’t blog for a while.  I was suffering from adoption emotional mood swings that nobody could ever understand until you are going through this process!  I have learned that waiting adoptive mothers are SCARY!  I mean REALLY SCARY!  BEWARE!   I remember talking to my sobbing BFF when she was waiting for her daughter to be home.  She went from angry to gleeful to downright scary in less than a minute.  I remember literally being afraid to say ANYTHING!  Now she is getting a little too much enjoyment since I have joined the Scary Club!

We are beginning to foster two boys and hope to adopt them.  This came up rather unexpectedly.  We have also signed up to host two children from China this summer.  We also hope to adopt them.  I wanted another child.  I always wanted lots of children.  Always.  So now at age 43 (almost) God is saying “Ok here are four more!”  I do not deserve to be so blessed!  I am in awe!  To think that God in his wisdom could allow ME to care for 4 more of his children;  to think that I should be given that privilege; it is nothing short of Amazing Grace!

When I was expecting my first child, I gave a 10 -minute speech to a man at Shoney’s who dared to smoke in the smoking section while it wafted across to me.  He needed to understand that MY BABY had RIGHTS too!  And she had a right for her Mama to have clean air to help her tiny forming baby lungs!  I wanted – no I NEEDED – to protect her at all costs.  At least she was right in my tummy, right there under my heart where I could protect her as much as possible.  I felt like I had a “little” control at least.

Now fast forward 22 years, 2 more bio kids, and this whole foster/adoption process.  Yes I am overly protective, yes I homeschool, and yes there are days I wish they could be right back in my tummy where I knew they were somewhat protected.  But these precious angels that we have been doing respite for are NOT under my protection.  They will be placed here with us in the next few weeks, but even then, until things can be finalized – I still cannot really protect them.

Even now, I sit here wondering if they are happy, sleeping, scared, comforted???  I wonder if they know I’m trying so hard to get them home.  I wonder how much damage these last several “respite stays” caused them.  I wonder if they will ever forgive me for letting them take them away again and again.  I will never forget their faces, their sobs, their screams – begging me to take them home with me.  I have NEVER felt so helpless, so completely out of control, so defeated.  I literally felt EMPTY and my heart HURT! 

So they are coming soon.  No more respite.  Praying that the judge will decide they should be with us.  I’m afraid, I’m nervous, I sometimes wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  I have 3 children who are adults (or quite near that).  I think they are exquisite!  I think they are blessings.  I think I made lots of mistakes……I wonder if I should really keep doing this…..will I make more mistakes?????  Then my 18-year-old sweet baby boy asked me if I would watch a movie with him.  Just the two of us.  It was a movie about a Mom and her grown son and how she sort of got on his nerves…..but the real story of the movie is about the fierce love between a mother and her child.  It makes you think about a mother’s love and how there is nothing quite like it.  We laughed, we (I) cried, we had a great time.  I saw that he gets it.  He said “Mom this is SO YOU!”  I looked at my grown up man and I knew I was supposed to do this.  It will be okay.  God means for me to love ALL my children.  He will help me.  I’ll make mistakes, but all of my children will KNOW that I love them fiercely and I fought to be their Mama -every one of them.  I am blessed beyond words!